


$54 on an iTunes Gift Card and Other Drabbles

by floodxland



Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Attempted Murder, Deep Throating, Fluff, Kink, Kinky, M/M, Pet Play, Romance, Schmoop, Slash, Violence, fest: TGS Spring Challenge 2014, old man car show cuteness!, rough fellatio
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-12
Updated: 2015-01-23
Packaged: 2018-01-19 02:03:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 4,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1451365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/floodxland/pseuds/floodxland
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of Drabbles/Drobbles written for the Spring Challenge</p>
<p>Ratings Vary from G to NC-17 - see summaries for prompts and any warnings where applicable</p>
<p>NOW INCLUDING THREE FRESH NEW DRABBLES FROM THE TG CHRISTMAS ADVENT CALENDER CHALLENGE WOO!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. $54 on an iTunes Gift Card - Jeremy/Richard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Birthday

Richard wasted most of the day looking through a million CDs of prog rock, a thousand books on the war and 100 Pairs of men’s novelty socks. It dawned on him that the solution was terrifically obvious; that meant he no longer had to stay in retail hell. He raced to Jeremy’s

At Jeremy's apartment he bolted through the door as he was let in, slamming it closed behind him and shoving an unawares Jeremy back up against it.

"Hammond - what the hell are you..." his words died in his mouth as Richard undid his fly with careful efficiency and started mouthing at his cock through his y-fronts.

"Ahh..." Understanding dawned on him as he looked down at the man between his long legs.

"Mnmnmn" He hummed against the fabric, tugging it down so he could give his cock a quick teasing series of licks to get it interested. He took it quickly into his mouth and started to bob fast, sucking tight. Jeremy's hands tightened in the other man's hair, canting his hips down to fuck his mouth, lips reddening and stretched around him. With a keening cry he came just as he held Richard tight to fuck his throat, his face red and his eyes tearing but gazing ever upwards with challenge and desire.

Bracing against the door, legs shaking, pulse skyrocketing he looked down at the man between his legs. Jeremy smiled, stroking his red, hot face, lips glossy with spit and cum.

"Happy Birthday Jeremy"


	2. ARIES - Jeremy/James

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Birthday
> 
> I literally checked an online horoscope for April 11th. Happy Birthday Clarkson <3

"What does it say for mine?"

"Don’t hedge your bets with one or more friends today. Be clear on your position, even if you run the risk of alienating them. Don’t hold back today because your generosity is what brings you success. You’ll be lucky in all of your financial transactions."

"What does that even mean?"

"I owe you 10 quid because James did fall down drunk as predicted."

"Oh the poor clumsy sod, I think it means I'm 10 pounds richer" 

"And have a bruised boyfriend."

“He’s not my boyfriend”

“He is though!”

“It sounds so teen-aged calling him ‘boyfriend’ – he’s… mine.” Jeremy said simply, the ‘mine’ all encompassing, as a lover, friend and both.

“Thought so.”

Waiting in A&E for them to patch James up, Jeremy and Richard passed the time reading each other's horoscopes from lady's magazines. Jeremy suspected there were worse ways to celebrate a birthday


	3. English Summer Rain - Jeremy/James

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Summer
> 
> Song fic “English Summer Rain” by Placebo inspired this

The second slap had been the trigger, the bullet, the surge that turned that warm English summer day to a drowned, black night in an instant. The screaming wouldn’t stop and he didn’t want to hear anymore. Hand pulsing, Jeremy looked down at the grass that struggled to cling its roots to the earth as the ground swelled with water it could not soak. The rain came down cool in thick pearls, beading out and clinging to the strands of Jeremy’s curls and sliding down the length of his face. 

“James… please…”

He watched the man leave, moving through the humid air as if it had slowed down time just a fraction, like it did the last time they fucked, like the last time his hand crashed hard against his cheek. Like the summer before when James was still his.

The words drowned around them with the English summer rain.


	4. A Member of the Middlesex Regiment - Jeremy/James

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Euphemistically Speaking

"Richard, can I ask you something?" Jeremy nudged Richard as James; the new face on Top Gear went to make a cuppa.

"Mnn?"

"James - do you think he... well, has 'A touch of the velvet to him'"

"What?"

"You know... A Friend of Dorothy? A Three Dollar Bill?"

"Why won't you speak English?" Richard sighed

"I'm asking if he's... you know..."

"Gay? What is this grade 5? Are you going to pull his pigtails because you like him too?"

"Shhhnn!" Jeremy punched the shorter man in the arm hard

"Ow! You dickhead! Just say what you mean and to him not me - without the stupid Victorian nonsense you prick!"

“Does that mean he is though?”

“I think so, unless your arse suddenly got more interesting than the Alfa Romeo, which he was in fact looking at more.”

“Really?” Jeremy grinned

“Yes, you big Jessie.” Richard rolled his eyes.


	5. Sweat - Jeremy/Richard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Sweat
> 
> (The song Richard mangles is this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkAUrka9bJY - 'Sweat' by Inner Circle - thus fulfilling the theme)

"La la la la la! La la la la la la Long lee long long long!"

"Richard, that is the worst Rastafarian accent I've ever heard."

"Shut up I'm trying to sing - uh... er... mmnmmnn girl I wanna mmn nmmnn hmmnn lala lee long long long!"

"Oh god that is painful... You don't know the words man!"

"No one knows the words! Just the la la la bits!"

"Please stop serenading me, your voice is giving me a rash."

"Oh you try and be romantic and all that happens is your skin peels off, lovely."

“No.. it’s fine – keep mangling the song if you want.”

“And if you crrryy out – Imma push it some mo-o-ore!”

Richard’s voice crackled over the radio – Jeremy knew that his car’s battery was dying and the radio link between the three cars contributed to the drain. James had long since gone radio silent.


	6. Purely for Medicinal Purposes - Richard/James

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Hurt/Comfort

“OW! FUAAHHH… OW…” Richard hissed and almost cursed as he cut his fingers with the sharp edge of the metal he was taking to weld. It landed on the ground with a loud crash and that’s when James came over to see what the racket was. Seeing Richard holding his own hand as blood started to trickle from two fingers he grabbed the first aid which was always close at hand at the Top Gear Technology Center.

“Sit down and quit being such an infant, it’s just a cut.”

“Oh so it’s just ‘a cut’ on me but if it were you or Jeremy it would be a life ending wound!” Richard sat down heavily on a rickety chair as James administered first aid. The disinfectant stung and Richard wriggled about in pain, a fabric band aid over his cut pressed nice and tight.

“And my kiss to make it all better?” Big eyes and lashes fluttering, bottom lip wibble and whimper for added effect. 

With a weary sigh James bent down and kissed him softly on the mouth for a long half second.

“I declare you cured, now quit being such a girl and help me with the soldering.”


	7. Dogs are the Best People - Jeremy/James/Richard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Pets
> 
> WARNING - KINK - PET PLAY

They came to him in their own time, but they would come to him as he waited on the couch as he did the crossword. Chewing the end of his pen and peering down his glasses on the tip of his nose - Jeremy waited for his dogs.

This kind of game couldn't be indulged in too often but when they had time for it Richard and James were always willing to slip out of their every day and play. Richard was always the first to come after Jeremy set him up in the spare room, collar in a dark red leather, a thick plug with a short tail and a ball gag. Naked he sat on the floor rolling around getting used to the head-space before happily scampering out and jumping up onto the couch to bother Jeremy, paw at the newspaper and just be the frisky, playful pup he was.

"Scamp, get!" He scratched at the back of his neck and through his short hair as he yanked at his collar to lead him down to the rug. As he did he saw out the corner of his eye James come in, slowly, knee pads, collar in a dark navy blue, naked, plug in his arse but no tail. He crawled up to Jeremy, nuzzling up against his thigh, blue eyes so serene and obedient.

"Hello boy, who's a good boy?" Jeremy cooed and stroked his long hair out of his eyes with firm rakes of his fingers.


	8. Roses to Repair - James/Jeremy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Flowers

40 Long Stem red roses, each one identical, and every velvet sort petal curling evenly, they looked expensive and they probably were. James picked them up and read the note attached;

“I’m sorry for what I said that night. Please talk to me James.” 

It would take more than a prick to make him bleed but what Jeremy had said and done that night couldn't be dug out of his skin yet. He threw them down on the ground, watching the delicate petals rip away and the scent rise from them.

There were some things that needed more than roses to repair the hurt Jeremy had caused him.


	9. Portrait of a Naked Man With Rose Petals on His Sausage - Jeremy/James

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Flowers

“Jeremy”

“Yes?”

“You’re naked.”

“As per your request”

“And the rose petals everywhere?”

“Uh, romance?”

“You will hoover all this up after though won’t you.”

“Oh god James you are impossible to romance!”

“If you hoovered naked that’d be seduction enough for me.”

“Really?”

“I think so.”

“Is it too late to break up with you?”

“Yes.”

“Damnit, what about one of those Roomba things and I lounge around naked near it.”

“No, but the good news is I still love you”

“Come on, let’s have sex on the petals and then I appease your domesticity kink.”

“It’s not a kink – you’re a slob.”

James picked up a handful of the soft pink petals dropping them on Jeremy’s chest then stroking his fingers through the curls on his skin.

“Couldn’t find any red ones?”

“Red is not my colour.”

“You’re strange Clarkson.” James kissed him softly, crushing petals around them.


	10. Pietà - James/Jeremy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Rage
> 
> WARNING - DARK/VIOLENT

James' hands tightened around Jeremy's neck, the skin on his neck was soft, the desperate thrashing of his pulse under his palm. He could feel the column of his throat crushing under his hands, the bones of his neck - he squeezed so hard the big man started to crumble under him. He could see himself in his eyes just as the light started to fade out and they closed and Jeremy's body dissipate into dead weight, heavy and oppressive.

Uncurling his hands from his throat he stared at them and then back down at the skin they'd clawed with blunt nail, Jeremy was not moving. James had finally gotten his silence.

"Oh god no..."

Diving back down to his side he opened his mouth and began to resuscitate him, laying him on his side as he wheezed and clawed at him for help. James saw himself reflected in his pale blue eyes that looked at him with open fear, Jeremy was crying and struggling to breathe. His broken voice scratched at James like he'd swallowed a handful glass and spat it out again.

"Don't leave..."

James broke down, he'd almost killed him he was so mad, so sick of fighting with him because he wouldn't listen to him. He'd cracked, lunged at him after the now forgotten insult that broke his resolve, he had hated him, he ached with how much he loathed Jeremy that he wanted him to shut up. Jeremy still loved him even after that, half cradle in his arms, Jeremy's face went from purple back to red, he lay gasping, lungs burning while James rubbed at his chest trying to clumsily soothe him. James burnt with shame, Jeremy laid in his arms looking up at him like a stranger but refused to let him go.


	11. Cilice (Sequel to Pieta) -  James/Jeremy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Rage
> 
> WARNING - SELF HARM/ANGST/DARK

Jeremy had stayed after the... incident... he wore a scarf during the heat wave and endured the jibes. His voice remained harsh and injured long after the bruises faded, blaming a throat infection but every time he caught James' eye a phantom pain crushed throat all over again.

James retreated, his rage turned into himself, he couldn't bear to touch Jeremy anymore, he nicked his throat shaving one day, he watched the blood trickle down. Jeremy had bought him an antique ivory handled cutthroat for his last birthday; he used it all the time with no incident and like all the things he cared about was kept in immaculate condition. Jeremy was someone he'd cared about and he'd crushed his throat, he held the blade to his arm and watched the sharp steel part through the skin and the blood bloom out.

It felt cold and bright before the burn and ache, it wasn't deep but a new ritual had taken hold as his penance. Nothing Jeremy could say or do hurt him, he turned any anger at all and held it till the skin knitted close and then he'd let it go with another, deeper cut below the old.


	12. Sirocco Song - James/Jeremy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Series 11 - 15

James slipped his reading glasses off, he'd been trying to write a jingle for the Sirocco but had veered off writing something else entirely, he looked at the lyrics he'd written trying to think of why he'd opted for such a corny rhyming scheme. He was no song writer despite his degree in music, he was the occasional poet but this was a little more personal than anything he'd attempted before. Sitting in the pokey Top Gear offices tapping away at an old Casio he thought about Jeremy and this new song started to form, he loved the other man for every feeling a human soul could endure raced through him and it was always Jeremy at the heart of it.

He realized there was no noise on the track and Jeremy was standing in the door way with a look of love in his eyes.

"Go on... keep singing."


	13. Nature Boy - James/Richard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: The Great Outdoors
> 
> In this - Richard is a feral wood faun :D because why not.

James stood in the clearing; he needed to get away from Clarkson whose company had become insufferable quickly. Not knowing why he'd agreed to this venture, it was a mugs game and he knew it but Clarkson knew how to get under people's skin and so he was out in the wilds of the Lake District failing at fishing.

He'd wandered away from camp, the light was fading and a delicate veil of dusk had turned the surrounding woods into a fairy land, everything shimmered in blue and the night flowers just started to unfurl their majesty to the darkness. Out of the corner of his eye he saw him, slowly dawning on him that it was no faun, but a man with big brown eyes timidly peering at him from behind a tree. James almost jumped out of his skin, staring back, he was short, lithe, his hair was long and dark but streaked light where the sun and salt had bleached it crowned with tangles of ivy. For a man, he might as well have been a faun, so still and delicate till he inched into the fading light.

James extended his hand out, gently coaxing him out, he saw he was naked, tanned all over his lean muscled body. The man reached out and touched his fingertips, fierce curiosity burning in those chocolate eyes. It took his breath away, this stranger, he seemed so fey but was no myth standing in front of him.

"MAAAAAAAAY - MAAAAAAAAAAAY - GET OVER HERE NOW!"

The moment shattered, as quickly as he appeared the man bolted into the night, James's blood boiled as he tried to catch him but missed and instead saw Clarkson lumber into view.

"May! Food's ready hurry up or I will eat it all."

"You utter, utter pig Clarkson, you spooked him!"

"Him?"

"There was... a man here?"

"There's no one here you old coot - oh hold on - do you know where we are?"

"No"

"A few years ago there was a plane crash, or was it a chopper? Anyway - there was a crash here - see, that tree still has a hunk missing" Jeremy pointed up, where the jagged mark was it was evident that it had happened so long ago the tree had grown in height.

"The Hammonds, two adults and a child, little boy, crashed here. Happened years ago."

"It was no child I saw, he was short though, looked like he'd lived here alone and you spooked him you berk!"

"Oh get off it you senile old fucker, nothing survived the crash and Tarzan was fiction, come back to camp before you die out here." Jeremy lumbered back to camp and James reluctantly followed.

From afar, the faun watched James and Jeremy fascinated, he’d seen others like him before but he hated them mostly, the faun kept to the forest. Usually he wouldn’t approach people but the long haired one was quiet, gentle and kind, he would watch him.


	14. In your arms - James/Richard

Another hotel - another shoot, another shared room, James won the toss for the bed relegating Richard to the fold out couch. They went through the motions; Richard kicked and wrestled the fold out, rolled around atop the sheets till the rest of the crew no longer malingered in the halls. Once there was enough rumpling done he grabbed a pillow and padded barefoot to the bedroom. Richard wriggled under the warmth of the doona and curled up with back against James' chest. James would kiss the top of his head and stroke his arms and legs to get the other man warm or blow soft cool breath against his shoulders and neck to cool.

The second night, James lost the toss and was curled on the fold out. Moments later familiar footsteps made their way out of the bedroom and slotted himself into James’s arms. Cramped on a thin mattress of a hotel fold out or pressed together tightly in a swinging hammock or on a hard pallet of reeds and palm leaves Richard always crept into James' bed. James kissed the top of his head; he held him close and tight and soothed him best as he could.


	15. Progressive Metal Royalty - James/Richard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Tools
> 
> Literally - made me think of the band, Tool - the album in question is 10, 000 Days - looks like this:
> 
> http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b298/Stonergrunge/Mis%20cosas/Colecciones%20varias/TOOL-10000_Days-03.jpg

"What is this?" Richard picked up a black CD case covered in what looked like a face made of hundreds of eyes - he'd been looking for something for them to listen to while they were in the garage. Much like James's tool kit his CDs and records were kept in almost new condition and always in order (alphabetical by band name, then sequential by year of release). 

Richard opened the case and saw that the eyes at the front were cut out, you could hold the images behind them and see them as a 3D optical illusion. He put the cd in the player and listened - it was not James' usual fair of classical and classic rock or progressive, it was in fact quite dark. Richard liked his heavy rock but this was a little more abstract and surreal, like the images in the little view finder.

James heard the music from the garage and found Richard peering through the view finder.

"Rory gave me that one - I didn't think I'd like it but it grew on me - then I bought the band's whole back catalog." He said sheepishly polishing a socket wrench.

"I see." He flipped the viewfinder down and let the music play as he gently extracted the socket wrench from his hand, laid it down by the side and pulled him down onto the couch to kiss him as the music swelled and writhed. James’ mouth ravaged him hungrily, they rutted together on the living room floor, Richard’s lower back carpet burnt raw.


	16. Machines of Loving Grace - James/The Stig

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Ache

The car veered off the track, flipping over and landing in a sickening, heavy, brutal, crush. He was pulled from the wreckage, whole but acting not like himself…

The Stig walked back to his room, he moved at his usual, smooth pace as he closed the door behind him his usually straightened back curled into himself in a new wave of pain. Crashing to his knees he crumpled against the rough carpet, gloved hands scrambling against the ground as he crawled along the ground. Stig had put it off too long, James was still not there and he wouldn't be for a while - shaking wordlessly in wracking spasms he wrapped his burning arms around himself.

What felt like a million years passed before the door slowly opened but shot shut as soon as James entered and saw him, silent save for the rasp of his suit against the floor as Stig convulsed. James ran to the tool box and found what he needed, undoing the zip from his throat, he quickly found the panel he needed to loosen to deactivate the pain sensor.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Stig, It's off now. Are you okay - I could have sworn I turned that off... how..." James had de-activated the pain sensor when Stig worked.

"You did this to yourself? Why?"

Stig finally stopped shaking in pain as the numbness returned. A soft but digitally created voice said with a delicate fragility that belayed his android nature.

"When... it is off. I cannot feel. I wanted to feel again what I felt when I was with you. I was in pain but I could also remember the other feeling... a different type of ache. I wanted to feel it again."

James froze, he had sat with Stig after recording, most people ignored Stig - he was simply another prop - but James talked to him, touched him gently and treated him like he was... one of them... human.

"If I turn it on... all the other pain comes back on line... it could... hurt you a lot."

"I know, it degrades the hardware but... there is an anomaly, an intangible thing that compels me to endure it."

"Oh Stig... I... I can't stand to see you hurt, not for my sake. I care about you, that pain will tear you apart."

"Then disable the sensor forever and erase my memory. I believe, through this intangible aspect in my programming... that the pain is worth it to feel that sensation again, too precious and fleeting but.. worthwhile, you are worth it." His voice crackled with static - the anomaly had spread even now that the pain sensor had been deactivated. James felt a tear slide down his cheek - would he leave him in agony so he could experience love - or return him to the empty vessel.

Leaning down to kiss the place where his mouth would be he slipped his hand down into the panel and made his choice


	17. Push the Sky Away - Jeremy/James

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Hope  
> Title from Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds "Push the Sky Away"

For a man who often worked with his hands James's hands were soft, even when they were fumbling through the lapels of his jacket and struggling to undo the button of his new favorite cardigan.

"James... you're pissed. Don't." Jeremy was sick of this, god knows they both hit the dutch courage to get to this point but James... every time, he wasn't getting any braver so he just got drunker. It brought out something that Jeremy didn't like in James and he utterly loved everything about James... usually. He was loathed to push him away but he couldn't keep doing it this way.

"Don't."

James looked shattered, he felt like he was holding fragments of him as they slipped like shards between his fingers. In his arms he pulled him in, fragile and so red in the face he thought he was bleeding, Jeremy took him to bed. Hope not yet extinguished that he could yet save him.


	18. Frost (But it's not all cold) - Jeremy/Richard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt - Frost  
> A Touch of Frost was the only thing I could think to go with this prompt for some reason, mostly because I hate Christmas and refuse to play nice :)

Jeremy laid on the couch, remote control wedged under him, this insured (most of the time) that a certain small minded Americaphile would not switch the channel over to something else.

Luckily for him Richard was otherwise distracted by gift wrapping, he somehow managed to be worse at it than Jeremy. When he tried to be gentle the paper tore and when he tried to be fast nothing held together. A lot of swearing and tape later he declared it 'done' and that he was going to just invest in gift bags the next season he grabbed a beer and went to the living room.

"Jeremy what are you watching?" A cheeky finger prodded the soft flesh of his arse cheek over the denim of his jeans. "Not that awful American one about the spy with the really bony woman that's for sure."

"I thought you liked Burn Notice!" Richard said incredulously.

"No, I like the explody parts but man cannot live on explody parts alone."

"That's not what I've heard." He knew the remote was underneath him so using the cold of his beer he pressed it on the small of his back where his shirt had rucked up. Jeremy squealed and writhed but refused to give up the remote.

"Come on let me finish this disk at least."

"Disk? Jesus Jeremy how many hours have you been laying here watching... A Touch of Frost? Remember when you marathoned through all of "Midsummer Murders?" you wouldn't stop in villages for a week in fear of being murdered by quaint country people!"

"It's a valid fear, that's why I never visit you in Wales, I'd be eaten by marauding men's choirs!"

"The DVD stops now Jeremy or I will sit on you."

"You weigh nothing you know, sit all you want at least you don't have a bony arse like James."

"And why is James sitting on you?"

"Never you mind, you jealous little sod... fine... but you owe me a beer."

"Jeremy I'm your partner not the flippin' drinks boy!"

For reasons Richard could not understand this sent Jeremy into a five minute laughter fit.


	19. Noche Sagrada - Jeremy/James

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt - Christmas Music  
> Gratuitous abuse of 'O Holy Night' which next to 'Fairytale of New York' by the Pouges is the only Christmas music that doesn't make me wish I go deaf

Standing by the edge of the garden, it was quiet and freezing but he braved it to smoke, Jeremy felt like he was floating, suspended somehow on the edge of a great precipice. Beyond the edge of the white - nothing. 

Behind him he felt two arms wrap around him, James's body hummed faintly and then he sang in soft, slightly flat but emotive words.

_"A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices_  
Yonder breaks a new and glorious morn  
Fall on your knees, oh hear the angel voices  
Oh night divine, oh night ..." 

Jeremy stopped him, spinning around and kissing him deeply.


End file.
